Maybe it's my crippling love of broadway musicals

Maybe it's my inexplicable fetish for girls with funny voices

Maybe it's all those damn Old Navy ads on T.V. when I should be reading about the Celtic Tiger econonmy

Or maybe it's the half a bottle of wine I downed while watching "Bewitched" tonight...

But there's nothing I'd rather do lately than just fuck the hell out of Kristin Chenoweth.

CAM

OPEN LETTERS

Dear "concerned" readers,

I apologize that none of the "crazy" photos from my just-as "crazy" weekend are up yet. My "crazy" internet photo-posting thing is broken. And also i'm lazy and chock full of "crazy" journals and essays. So they'll be up sometime soon so you can get mad at me for posting embarassing stuff about you.

CAM

Dear www.resist.com,

Why are you so racist? Why do your pictures come up in most of my google images searches?
I will give you the fact that your site is like a shocking trainwreck I can't look away from. But, for the most part, your racist themed webgames leave a lot to be desired.

CAM

Dear Mayana,

Yes, I'd agree I'm obsessed with girls. Its not fake, or to score points because I dont think it actually scores points. Be interested in how girls operate and work makes them nervous usually. Also, I'm usually more friends with girls than anything else which has given me an impenetrable ring of girls surrouding me at most times scaring away any prospective suitorettes.
But yeah, i dont kow. Doesn't everyone find the other sex and their operations mindboggling. Hell, I find my own sex mindboggling. I think i'm more obsessed with Interpersonal relationships, and neurotic about girls. Well, now i just sound obsessed with being obsessed with girls. There ain't no cure for love they say...

...God Damn Leonard Cohen...

CAM

Dear Mike Hingston,

Damn your editors voice for sticking in my head so that the next time i was bored I googled myself, in search for some relief from my brain pain and love lornedness. And also for having me re-find THIS which still confuses and creeps me out. You, by inspiration, have creeped me out Mr.Hingston. And thats after a night of looking at that damn white power website.

CAM

Dear Google,

Why are you so tempting? Why once I have searched myself and I tempted to search everyone I know?
You do a disservice to people by allowing them to search the names of people they have been romantically involved with. Why, you may ask?
Simple. Either: a) the person finds nothing of interest then gets depressed that they searched at all
b) They find something interesting then get sad they arent with the person
c) The find semi-nude pictures of them and feel...conflicted...
Please suspend my ability to search anything.

CAM

I meet a lot of guys that don't dance because they think it makes them look uncool and , granted, it does but unless you can pull off the whole Johnny Cash/Denis Leary cool you aren't going to get any girls by not dancing. Girls demand a little dance and actually they surprisingly aren't bad judgers when it comes right down to the wire. If you are nervous you can even pull out a funny move and impress them with how cute you are...

And i'll let you in on a little secret. If you dance with girls whether you "score" or not you come away smelling FANTASTIC! Seriously. You could go like a day without showering.

In a related note:

Have you noticed how good you are at Pac-Man now that you aren't 6 years old? I used to not be able to get past the first level no matter how many lives I had, now I clean up.

Hugh Hefner got arthritis from Pac-Man. Now he has a Pac-Man brace. During the early 80s the Playboy Bunnies called themselves "The Pac-Man Widows" due to the amount of Pac-Man Hugh played.

Pac-Man knows something we don't.

CAM

Facts I can glean about California based on songs with "California" in the title on my I-Tunes:

"California" by Rufus Wainwright:
1) California has so much to ponder, one might be tempted to sleep instead.

2) Contrary to popular belief, life is actually the longest death in California.

"California" by Joni Mitchell :

1) California is much less old, cold and set in it's ways then say, France.

2)Greek people are likely to steal your camera therefore California is better than Europe as a whole.

3) California may or may not take you as you are, strung out on another man.

"California" by Deathcab for Cutie:

1) Rows of heroes ....something....something.... in California.

2) Much of what is said about California is unintelligible.

"California" by Phantom Planet:

1) California is an excellent place to both come to, and start from.

2) California has many accessible highways, such as the 101.

"Hotel California" by The Eagles :

1) California has many welcoming rest areas and accomodations with rooms ready for travellers.

2)California could be heaven or it could be hell.

3) There are many pretty, pretty boys who will be your friend in California.

4) California has not served wine since 1969, though pink Champagne is readily available as a substitute.

"California Girls" by The Beach Boys :

1) East coast girls may be hip, Southern girls may have interesting accents, Mid-west girls may make you feel alright and Nothern girls may be good kissers but they all pale in comparison to California girls.

2) California girls are superior due to : Their tans, their french bikinis, their cuteness.

"California One / Youth and Beauty Brigade" by The Decemberists :

1) It is a long drive to California.

2) The lights are awfully low in California.

3) The wines of California are sweeter than wines of other regions.

"California Blue" by Roy Orbison:

1) When you have nothing else to do, it is acceptable to dream about California.

2) California is far away, both physically and metaphorically.

"California Dreamin'" by the Mamas and The Papas:

1) In winter all the leaves are green and the sky is blue in California.

2) You'd be safe and warm if you were in Los Angeles, California.

3) If you don't tell her, you can leave TODAY for California.

4) From the looks of Mama Cass, there are plent of fine eateries in California.

"Going to California" by Led Zepplin:

1) There's a girl in California with love in her eyes and a flower in her hair who is apparently very welcoming to visitors.

2) California is an excellent alternative to the red skies and grey seas you are used to.

3) California best place to find a woman who's never been born.

"California Love" by Tupac and Dr.Dre:

1) The state of California let Tupac out of jail , on bail

CAM

Anderson Cooper can kick your ass . Beyond being ass-kicking, he hosted "The Mole"(my favorite reality t.v. show ever) and helped his mom write a book about her sex life. He proves that the children of two celebrities are better than us all. He and Mariska Hargitay are technically the mother and father of superman, but don't tell anyone i told you, it's not happening for another few years.

Nothing interesting has happened in my life lately. Based on a 100% polish success rate I've decided to hit on girls on the internets more. Its hard when your internet breaks a lot and you dont have a lot to say.

Who here doesn't LOVE to DANCE ?

Sorry to all the people also on Webcest. I was in a linkin' mood and they are really the links I enjoy.

Meanwhile.... I had heard: http://www.edison-movie.com/flash.htm was horrendous but i just thought it was timberlake haters. The trailer may just prove that I should listen to more haters.

Oh and if you haven't yet, join facebook . It's like what if myspace was run by jocks and people you don't talk to from highschool anymore. I'll give you 10 pounds of the knucks if you do.

10

CAM

Dear World,

you like photos too much and I exceeded my bandwidth. That said, i'm going to do little about it beyond posting my photos on phototrail from now on instead of photobucket.

If there are any photos now missing which you'd like you can ask me for them personally


that is all

CAM

I've always agreed with that adage "there's nothing like a fakey gay bar to remind you why you are straight"

that said:

BRAIN TRUST, I NEED YOUR HELP!

My script is languishing at the basest levels. It needs a romance but the only formulas i can come up with are:

1) boy loves girl -> boy can't get girl -> boy overcomes obstacles gets girl
2) boy loves girl - > boy CAN get girl save his personal sabotage -> boy gains confidence gets girl
3) boy hates girl -> girl hates boy -> fall in love through wacky happenstance
4) boy loves girl -> girl is bitch -> through overcoming obstacles boy realizes girl is bitch and is either a) more pleased with self or b) finds better girl

So , yes , all those are contrived and stupid so I call upon your help.

Can you think of a better idea for romance in a short film? or in real life? Or AT LEAST which of those do you find less vomit inducing.

thanks. I'm not creative on my own. I can only re-tell fantastic anecdotes

CAM

AN ACCIDENTAL HOMIE:

Yesterday I went to a play , then the plan was what I originally thought was a photo show at El Kartel with Annie. It ended up it's this guy Curtis Santiago , who Annie and I are sure we knew from our Edmonton days (he used to be in a funk band there) and he'd painted a bunch of P.F. Flyers and they would be on display.

Anyway, we got there and it was very Indie. VERY INIDIE. I was unfortunately very "The Gap" wallowing in my zip-up carigan and wool peacoat. I felt kind of out of place.

BUT burn on the indie kids when the thugginest guy there asked me what the fuck was going on. I didnt know and neither did he so we instead agreed on the fact that it would at least be better with booze in us.

After a half hour of awkwardly standing and being less indier ( though Annie and her friend Thomas were more "in"), talking to Curtis a few times and milling around looking at all the people from kathyisyourfriend he finally took the stage and started....

TO RAP??
Knowing him to be a musician i guess we shouldnt have been surprised but, yeah we were caught off guard.

We stood and shuffled, grooved if you will, and enjoyed it as much as one could having stood previously for too long.

The rap was pretty funny and he's got good energy as an M.C. but i was more interested in the fact it was covered by Fashion T.v. and it was such a "cool kid" event i'd finally penetrated.

But like Goodall with the apes, i feared they'd turn on me and bowed out quickly hoping to assure myself a place in future events.

maybe....someday.


CAM

As I leaned over to Brittany to secure my place in the history of awesome with a Wildeian comment on the horrendous Battle of the Bands Taking place in front of us, the quip "Never trust a band that relies this much on hearing us say 'woah' and 'yeah'" barely escaped my thoroughly carmexed lips before I was struck with a feeling of Deja vu.

But more than that. Struck with a feeling i'd clearly dreampt this exact innane moment months before. Stareing at the large indo-giant drummer and tiny tiny lead singer in the smurf hat, saying such a pointless phrase.

That's when i realized I'd clearly predicted my own death in a dream.

I wont see you all tomorrow. Warren gets my Gator head, Kellen gets my towels. The rest is up for grabs.

In an unrelated note: Remember Boglins?
I give a temporary armistice to using the word "dope" if you are using it to describe Boglins or the practice of Boglinning therein.

In perhaps a related note: I've decided to take "drinking for no reason at all" out of my repetoire. You've finally won out anonymous "Cam, you drink to much" flamer. Now if only "fuck me Cam" flamer could win as well.

Pleasance

CAM