SPRUNG BREAK 2006: In Review

I just decided to give up and spend tomorrow at the library researching. I tried hard to be foolish and crazy but i only ended up going to Bellingham and purchasing nothing, getting unnecessarily drunk and missing music I paid 10 dollars to see and watching documentaries about indian slum kids. Needless to say not a lot of this:

But a lot of this:
If you imagine the puppy is me and maybe the cuteness is T.S. Eliot's extensive criticism on Elizabethan and Metaphysical poetry.

I normally fimly strap on my fancy pants and mock kids going on and on and on about Andrew Marvell when I consider myself to be academically inclined towards modern literature above the classics but god-damn if there aren't pitfalls. If I write an essay on Jonson I don't have to wade through 1 million books written by him proclaiming why he did everything and to what effect. There aren't transcripts of what he said at a dinner party. His best friends haven't published volumes on what he's told them in letters.

WHERE'S THE ARTISTIC MYSTERY MODERN WRITERS? WHERE'S GIVING ME A CHANCE TO HAVE A THOUGHT YOU HAVENT HAD OR ALREADY SHOT DOWN YOU FUCKS!

Even you Toni Morrison....especially you, you cunt!

I'd start reading other languages but then my head will explode.

Needless to say the reading made me long for the fratboy "this shit's gay i'ma faceplant into some implants" attitude which spring break should have sprung.

The other gaping maw into which I currently stare (your maw!(that was nonsense)) is the production of a not horrible film script by April 11th with various visual and technical paperworks to back it up. I have narrowed my current ideas to the following which seem plausible:

1. Young man is visited by his guardian angel David Cronenberg to help him get "back on the horse" after his girlfriend calls him "unemotional and weird"

2. An uptight young academic is torn between a woman he's started an affair with and his old lover the ghost of James Joyce (note: the end involves stoning and/or a crossbow duel)

3. At a reading of her new novel at a Sci-Fi convention an author faces off with her ex in a Q&A who feels like the book too closely resembles their relationship IN SPACE!

4. A zombie , driven by pure lust for a hot mortician, cuts a swath of destruction across a city just to ask her out.

5. A man takes advantage of his girlfriend thinking he's the secret identity of a local superhero but gets screwed when she's kidnapped by a supervillain who made the same mistake.

Okay, anyone see a trend?

These movies are all about the intricate workings of love and relationships something I know little to nothing about. I've even heard Neil fucking Armstrong say write what you know and a guy who hasn't sustained a relationship with a girl for more than 3 to 4 months is simply making wild postulations when it comes to this sort of thing. I ought to write on something I do know

Things I know inside and out:
- Knowing a little about a lot of things but not everything about one thing.
- Obscure television shows, especially ones I havent seen from eras I was not around for.
- Easily moving from one city to another.
- How incredibly easy and satisfying it is to be white and middle class.
- Playing in orchestras.
- unrequited love remaining unrequited until you don't see the person anymore.
- masturbating because you can't think of anything better to do.
- living happily in small, blank walled spaces which would drive normal people insane
- being unable to get a tan.
- loathing pubic hair.
- the urge to sleep all day.
- picking on people's insecurities/physical abnormalities/speech impediments.
- how i'd like to look if I wasn't too cheap to buy new clothes and too embarassed to try new haircuts.
- being jealous of things I have no right to be jealous of.
- How to fake that you've read something so well the person asking thinks you are an expert.
- general "path of least resistance".
- sweating and/or getting a really hot ear because you get so nervous talking on the phone.
- always being too early for things. (see: circling the block a few times when you are going to meet someone so you don't barf from being nervous)
- embarassing myself in public, then seeming cool about it, but it really haunting me in private apparently to my grave.

Now how do I make a movie of that spring break? You are the most useless "break" yet.

CAM

Cups furnished by backalley

Hands by their owners

Firstly,

Anyone who saw "May" with me or watched "May" after I told them knows that I kind of have a thing for Lucky McKee. Not that I think he's a master storyteller or anything, I just think he's the most capable director in the western world to put the horrific onscreen. Well:

Bruce Campbell, School of Witches and Evil Trees!

for the rest of you,

Heatvision and Jack is old but I just saw it for the first time and it fused my lookin'-balls to my brain with hilarity. All must watch

there is a link to a torrent here

that is all

CAM

YOU SAY IAN'S BIRTHDAY PARTY! I SAY IAN DIES!

Sorry.

It was Ian's birthday. If you didnt hear he did 21 shots in about an hour and a half. I think he's dead now. I havent actually seen him.
Here is the first "shot" proper. It is after numerous beers at the templeton and me forcing him to drink my hot beer and whiskey/orangina concoction. Not as bad as it sounds surprisingly. Which means its about as good as a dutch prostitute vomiting in your mouth.
All the people were out. Yuka n' Jason n' Joel n' part of Jeff's legs
Mike indescriminate about giving people shots and thus as Ian got drunk so did most others. Here he seems stable
Alright, in my defense this was the 2nd prairie fire. Not in my defense i have to take off my glasses and close my eyes to get drunk.

Apparently Ian's family likes to get Little People drunk. Luckily Jason pulled out early...
Unluckily Yuka had a cellphone and called everyone on it and left long messages.
Also, Ian made another speech which involved some sort of a "hands-in" thing.
Ian had a spit cup. Apparently the rest of us feed off his pain.
Chubby man behind us seems less amused.
You know Yuka is drunk when she kisses everyone in every photo. You know warren is when he makes that face.
Francis seems to enjoy that long straw but truth is we made it to stick down her clevage so it's all an elaborate act for the photo.
sadly, physics didn't allow for it to be an awesome straw.

Stu punched real hard. You cant tell from this but maybe if you zero in on the face of the bouncer guy in the back. he looks pretty impressed. and he punches for a living.
Ian really doesnt like the long straw. The red cup was his spit cup.
And with a final test of general dexterity Ian left us for the night and we almost watched another band play but decided we'd catch the early bus instead.

Mazel Tov Ian.

Now you are a man.

We promise to try harder to kill you next year.

CAM

Okay, I know I said i've previously felt lame compared to people I either a) went to school with or b) acted with / worked with creatively with who are now wildly more successful and advanced career-wise than me but seriously...

Your breakin' my balls here people...

On a related note, you are not allowed to be the teen heartthrob in highschool and then be a teen heartthrob in a show like 8 years later.

just a rule

mull it over

CAM

MEANWHILE.....

Japanese Spiderman kicks our Spiderman's ass.

AND he has a fucking robot

Indian Spiderman is still okay...but only because of that devastating pant/shoe combo

CAM

I just spent the past week ploughing through books and plays. T.S. Eliot and Harold Pinter have conspired to melt my brain. So, to counter that effect I needed to spout off on everything that is the opposite of book learning.

Dear Dan Pinese,

First, recycled blog materials are the new shabby chic of actual humour production.
Second, yesterday i recieved a somewhat frantic and apologetic email from this woman:

That's right, Ivonna Cadaver from Macabre Theatre. Apparently I did actually win that autographed photo in the middle of the night this summer for my horror trivia knowledge and now I can finally recieve it after month's wait. Watching cable access pays off. Willie Nelson tickets and girlie photos are all a youth needs in his summerings. My boyfriend Anderson Cooper finally got a blog. Again, he astounds me with his non-chalant(e) attitude about injecting his personal life/weird opinions into politico-news style blogging. I think this made me realize that his original news style was almost just someone talking out a blog to me. But how can you blog on a blog? Blogblogblogblog.
Lisa loeb...we love it when you showed your ass on t.v. Hell, it became a pretty sweet meme for a while there. But then you get your , albeit sweet, rack out there less than a week later? Not even Mizrahi can save your thonged ass from that meme foul.You went from wicked awesome to pathetic in like 3 days! You were my MSN picture Loeb! you had no right to ruin that sacred trust. I thought, "hey, I can leave, I can leave." Oh, but now I know that I was wrong, 'cause I missed you.

Today Oprah really stepped up. She must have said "with great power comes great responsibility" about 5 times while talking to Dave Chapelle. She is the ghostly Uncle Ben to his Peter Parker. Chapelle though I thought was pretty interesting always walking the line between paranoid crazy and sympathetic. Between funny and crying sickly looking dude. The fact that he held Oprah's hand for most of the interview though...thats what got me....

still processing.

" I bought the children's and adult versions of Harry Potter to see if there's any difference between the texts."

Oh, and on a final comedy note Graham Linehan has a new show The IT Crowd with two episodes online. Linehan is behind the pretty funny show "Father Ted" and , my favorite show of all time "Black Books". His style tends to involve terrible and/or poorly functioning characters who come across a problem and just by acting the same or terribler and a series of unbelievable circumstances they come out of it fine. It sounds not funny but it's the opposite. All i can say is "Sometimes I get a hot ear".

ahh much better
CAM

I had to take time out of my party photos and semi-ironic pop-culture references to tell you:

My life is complete....

Yesterday they announced there'll be a sequel to "The Dark Crystal" titled "The Power of The Dark Crystal" and it'll be directed by Genndy Tartakovsky.

As a kid i rented "The Dark Crystal" so much that I eventually wasnt allowed to go to the video store to rent movies with my parents because they knew i'd rent it. Also, I found this book on the design of the Dark Crystal at the library and took it out every time possible so much so it kind of started to disintegrate. Also, the movie was easily responsible for the fact that I considered being a puppetteer up until like...oh...grade 11. London School of Puppetry bitches.

Oh and Tartakovsky is responsible for Samurai Jack, which is awesome. But moreso, anyone who discussed Star Wars Episode 3 with me will know I think his "Clone Wars" cartoon is superior in badassedness and starwarsiness than Lucas' own creation.

So yes, basically, I need to find a woman and get married at the premiere of this.

Now you say : "Thy will be done"

CAM

P.S. Have you watched the podcast "Tiki Tv". They managed to capture the humor of having a drunk video of your friends and apply it to people i dont know at all. Kudos