Raining, Pouring
So, a month into the really honest-to-god out of school life and what do I have to say?
I take back everything I've ever disparaged TV drama for. Life is as ridiculous as that.
In the span of the past few weeks I've been trying to do my regular job, trying to advance my journalistic career through volunteer reviewing the film fest and trying to network and professionally develop in film via conferences and talks. That did not go so well.
Work is fine but still stuck in Kafkaesque waiting periods. I don't like to review movies. Free movies are fun but they are mostly bad and clearly the standard I hold movies too is very exclusive and not nice since my reviews rarely match up to the general feelings or award umm awardings of each film. Most conferences are still a cash grab and only about 60 of the nearly 200 dollars I spent was well spent. I made up for it by eating as many free snacks as possible. Networking is good but only if the people you are networking with can give you something...or you can give them something.I have no scripts, I have no need to meet other film students. so yes. Spending more money than I have, getting up early and wearing myself out for very little gain. Mmmmm real life woo.
Somewhere in the middle of all of that chaos my friend died as well.
It was definitely too much to deal with. My usual "keep it together" compartmentalization of grief had to be applied 1000 fold due to my constant commitments and this just lead to even more ridiculous extremes of insane grief. Uncontrollably crying at dollar pizza. Keep thinking I'm seeing him at a filmmaking conference. Not good.
I've had friends die before, even people my age but they've always been in an institution or it has been expected. This managed to be the first death of a friend this close, the first mysterious death, the first death of a public figure I know, the first death of someone I had to defend a lot, the first death of someone professionally successful and the first death of someone I look up to and admire I had to deal with all rolled into one. Crisis mode collapsed quickly into a lot of drinking and drugs but luckily I can say without humour he would have wanted it that way.
The worst part of it was how badly I wanted to blog about it when I was sloppy, weepy and wanting of attention. I put a moratorium for a week on any E-expressions of grief simply because I was seeing others and didn't want my name to be attached to a "me me me" style pseudo-poetic obituary. I eventually gave up and drunk and bleary-eyed wrote a misspelled facebook thing but I'm told by others it was nice. I guess a death is really all about everyone being selfish and insane so the week was just my grab at trying to indie grieve.
I don't know what else to say. Everything is still floaty.
Oh also I graduated. Here is a picture care of various cameras:
My parents came. It was quick and easy. We had surf n' turf after.
Friday is my birthday. Goodbye gloomy life like an episode of Grey's Anatomy? Let's hope so.
CAM
So, a month into the really honest-to-god out of school life and what do I have to say?
I take back everything I've ever disparaged TV drama for. Life is as ridiculous as that.
In the span of the past few weeks I've been trying to do my regular job, trying to advance my journalistic career through volunteer reviewing the film fest and trying to network and professionally develop in film via conferences and talks. That did not go so well.
Work is fine but still stuck in Kafkaesque waiting periods. I don't like to review movies. Free movies are fun but they are mostly bad and clearly the standard I hold movies too is very exclusive and not nice since my reviews rarely match up to the general feelings or award umm awardings of each film. Most conferences are still a cash grab and only about 60 of the nearly 200 dollars I spent was well spent. I made up for it by eating as many free snacks as possible. Networking is good but only if the people you are networking with can give you something...or you can give them something.I have no scripts, I have no need to meet other film students. so yes. Spending more money than I have, getting up early and wearing myself out for very little gain. Mmmmm real life woo.
Somewhere in the middle of all of that chaos my friend died as well.
It was definitely too much to deal with. My usual "keep it together" compartmentalization of grief had to be applied 1000 fold due to my constant commitments and this just lead to even more ridiculous extremes of insane grief. Uncontrollably crying at dollar pizza. Keep thinking I'm seeing him at a filmmaking conference. Not good.I've had friends die before, even people my age but they've always been in an institution or it has been expected. This managed to be the first death of a friend this close, the first mysterious death, the first death of a public figure I know, the first death of someone I had to defend a lot, the first death of someone professionally successful and the first death of someone I look up to and admire I had to deal with all rolled into one. Crisis mode collapsed quickly into a lot of drinking and drugs but luckily I can say without humour he would have wanted it that way.
The worst part of it was how badly I wanted to blog about it when I was sloppy, weepy and wanting of attention. I put a moratorium for a week on any E-expressions of grief simply because I was seeing others and didn't want my name to be attached to a "me me me" style pseudo-poetic obituary. I eventually gave up and drunk and bleary-eyed wrote a misspelled facebook thing but I'm told by others it was nice. I guess a death is really all about everyone being selfish and insane so the week was just my grab at trying to indie grieve.
I don't know what else to say. Everything is still floaty.
Oh also I graduated. Here is a picture care of various cameras:
My parents came. It was quick and easy. We had surf n' turf after.
Friday is my birthday. Goodbye gloomy life like an episode of Grey's Anatomy? Let's hope so.
CAM
posted by Cam at 4:29 PM
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