Dear Queen, Please Don't Die:
Judging our future royals via their questionable choices in women
To really get excited about Prince William or (HA!) Prince Harry eventually ascending to the throne is to deny the colonies long-standing love affair with Queens.
I mean, who gives a crap about any but the most ancient of kings once you get away from the UK?
So thus I have taken it upon myself to judge these princes not on their class (point William) or their swagger (point Harry) or their coolness (point as yet to be determined based on any available coolness) but instead on the choices of women they choose do date and, thus, the possibilities we have for Queen.
With William we have only one choice...ugh...Kate Middleton. The girl who basically has a lock on being a Queen.
Poised? yes. Likes to wear lady's derby hats? you betcha. Attractive? sure, in an 80s kind of way. Palpably boring? Ding ding ding ding ding.
I don't even know what to say. She'd have to ride naked and bloody into a million wars she started herself screaming "THIS IS BRITAAAAAAAAAAIN!" before I'd wake up and get excited for her as a Queen.
Keep looking William old Chummmmmmmp.
Oh to Harry and ...good lord...Chelsy Davy. Not only is she a robot-sounding Afrikaans from the former capital of ridiculous, this is literally the best photo of her I can find. Because her hair covers her face and it shows off her gratuitous, albethey boxy, endowments.
So Oi getcha 'Harry you like a bird for a larf...but she has pretty unfortunate nostrils aaaaaaaaaand even though she gets credit for having sex with a prince...I'll have to pass. If you wanted to do the whole "Look out England here's Queen Paris Hilton" you could have tried a little hotter...I mean harder...or do I?
So then I saw this cover about his other girlfriend t.v. presenter Natalie Pinkham and was like...yes...yes...shake it up Harry, force us all to think a bit here. But then I saw a non-ridiculous paparazzi doctored photo:
And i say "GET YOUR HANDS OFF THAT NICE BORING GIRL"!!! She doesn't need a thing like a prince groping her once when she was young to taint her for the rest of her life. How the hell can she live up to that? she' can't...and she'll cry herself to sleep in her flat with her millionaire barrister (or solicitor) husband because he isn't a prince...he JUST isn't a prince...
So there. Princes. Ruining girls lives...choosing brides who don't please me. Keep at it boys I'm sure there's someone good in like Monaco. I mean Princess Grace? woo woo She had to pop out a couple lookers. Or you could inbreed like in the olden days, I hear that keeps the blood clean.
Or, and I'm just throwing this out there, If you really wanted to shake up the royal family and be contemporary you could always take advantage of the U.K.'s same-sex marriage laws...I know a nice Canadian boy who's got a head for diplomacy and likes bejeweled riches...I'm looking at you Harry...
Cam
Judging our future royals via their questionable choices in women
To really get excited about Prince William or (HA!) Prince Harry eventually ascending to the throne is to deny the colonies long-standing love affair with Queens.
I mean, who gives a crap about any but the most ancient of kings once you get away from the UK?
So thus I have taken it upon myself to judge these princes not on their class (point William) or their swagger (point Harry) or their coolness (point as yet to be determined based on any available coolness) but instead on the choices of women they choose do date and, thus, the possibilities we have for Queen.
With William we have only one choice...ugh...Kate Middleton. The girl who basically has a lock on being a Queen.
Poised? yes. Likes to wear lady's derby hats? you betcha. Attractive? sure, in an 80s kind of way. Palpably boring? Ding ding ding ding ding.
I don't even know what to say. She'd have to ride naked and bloody into a million wars she started herself screaming "THIS IS BRITAAAAAAAAAAIN!" before I'd wake up and get excited for her as a Queen.
Keep looking William old Chummmmmmmp.
Oh to Harry and ...good lord...Chelsy Davy. Not only is she a robot-sounding Afrikaans from the former capital of ridiculous, this is literally the best photo of her I can find. Because her hair covers her face and it shows off her gratuitous, albethey boxy, endowments.
So Oi getcha 'Harry you like a bird for a larf...but she has pretty unfortunate nostrils aaaaaaaaaand even though she gets credit for having sex with a prince...I'll have to pass. If you wanted to do the whole "Look out England here's Queen Paris Hilton" you could have tried a little hotter...I mean harder...or do I?
So then I saw this cover about his other girlfriend t.v. presenter Natalie Pinkham and was like...yes...yes...shake it up Harry, force us all to think a bit here. But then I saw a non-ridiculous paparazzi doctored photo:
And i say "GET YOUR HANDS OFF THAT NICE BORING GIRL"!!! She doesn't need a thing like a prince groping her once when she was young to taint her for the rest of her life. How the hell can she live up to that? she' can't...and she'll cry herself to sleep in her flat with her millionaire barrister (or solicitor) husband because he isn't a prince...he JUST isn't a prince...So there. Princes. Ruining girls lives...choosing brides who don't please me. Keep at it boys I'm sure there's someone good in like Monaco. I mean Princess Grace? woo woo She had to pop out a couple lookers. Or you could inbreed like in the olden days, I hear that keeps the blood clean.
Or, and I'm just throwing this out there, If you really wanted to shake up the royal family and be contemporary you could always take advantage of the U.K.'s same-sex marriage laws...I know a nice Canadian boy who's got a head for diplomacy and likes bejeweled riches...I'm looking at you Harry...
Cam
posted by Cam at 10:55 PM
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