THEM!!!

Well, we've run into a problem at our house perhaps more annoying than lack of laundry, confusing haunted television or questionables upstairs. It vexes me now even though it has barely grown to be any sort of problem at all. I have time to nip things in the bud though and nip I shall.

The problem is ants.
Granted it's no bedbug issue or infestation of those east-van rolly-pollies but still, it offers its own double-pronged dilemmas.

First, In its own way an infestation of ants is like an infestation of puppies or small monkeys. We've been taught throughout science and grade school to respect and admire ants for their strength, teamwork and sticktoitiveness but, if you have a bunch crawling on you it changes your mind. Still, any person must feel the slightest sadness for bringing swift demise to the Utopian ideals of ant and ant colony. By any person I of course exclude myself who only wants to pour as much acid as I can get my hands on all over them.

Secondly, ant infestation is one of life's lovely chances to hear every idiot's opinion on the best way to get rid of them. The methods seem to fall into two categories: Chemical and Holistic which, I like to refer to as magic.

You see I can go to the store and buy a load of poison to scientifically destroy everything or I can make my own non-lethal deterrent, pray to Buddha and hope the ants get the picture, are the better man in this situation and choose to leave on of their own accord.

As it stands I chose to get Raid traps from Shoppers. They are filled with peanut butter. There seems to be something wrong with that. Nobody ever told me ants were attracted to peanut butter. It does add a delicious new dimension to "ants on a log" that I can't wait to explore though.

Actually, to be fair, I covered all my bases. I also took time to sprinkle a line of pepper along our baseboards and by their hole so hopefully their scent trail will something something I don't really believe the reasoning but It can't hurt.

I also bellowed "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" to make sure my mana took effect.

I'm truly sad I'll never know whether poisoned peanut butter or well-wishing "no-no" pepper does the trick to get these bastards out but I feel pretty assured that they'll be gone when our nice new Dutch roommate moves in.

If there are no ants we can get along better.

Or I suppose I can spray him with a 1/2 ivory soap, 1/2 malt vinegar solution.

You know, whatever.

Cam

Well it has finally come to this...we're looking for completely random people to move in with us on Craigslist.

I rarely like to engage in things they literally base sitcom episodes on. If "hilarious" stuff happens to every single writer in the world when they try to look for totally random roommates I don't think we'll do much better.

Then again, every terrible roommate I've had has been someone who I knew or kind of knew or institutionally was inclined to know.

Maybe this random stranger thing is just the ticket.

Who knew all you had to do to pants the internet media was to make a comprehensive list?

I feel bad...but I'm kind of in awe of Alec Baldwin's no-nonsense 1950s approach to parenting and, one can assume, children with cellphones.

It's a tragic anachronism, don't get me wrong.

All I'm saying is if he had thrown in an "I'll tan your hide" or "cut me a switch" I may have actually been sold on the fact that he simply doesn't know the acceptable limits of modern parenting. Like maybe he was raised by his own grandparents so he's a few generations behind Dr.Spock?

It's called commitment baby

Cam

I promised myself I'd blog every day once I'd handed in papers...that hasn't worked. I'd also promised myself I'd return to my workout routine long since abandoned for self-pity in the writing sessions. That kind of went out of the window with the burn on my bicep.

One thing I never thought would be hard to deal with is the smell of a healing burn. The day after I'd burnt myself, while I helped Mark move and neglected care, the burnt flesh smell almost made me barf so I vowed to be glad when I'd ditched those clothes and treated things.

Now it smells like B.O/Feet/Earthy Ejaculation. Its like cramming all your worst bodily smells into one open sore. Add to that the at-first-antiseptic cum old man's pipe smell of the antiseptic I'm using on it and you've got a veritable feast for the palate.

But enough about me and disgust. Let us talk about you...

Do you want to move in with us? We're still looking.

Don't you still love Miranda July? She still makes the most fun work.

Can you read a book online? I have trouble...but some manage to tickle me still.

What do you think of Lost? My distaste is waining as per the usual end of season pickup. woo?

Have you found any good summer t.v. yet? I like Drive and Shear Genius but...you know...do your own thang.

What should my new haircut look like? I need to impress my family/girls/film industry pros/girls who work in the film industry possibly as pros.

Oh well thats good. I'm going back to my smell.

Cam

So...the exciting/quite and nice girl we were going to get to move in with us just sent us an email saying she's found a better place...

...what a burn...

and I have a second degree burn right now...

When there's nothing left to burn. (Thats why they call me Mr.Fahrenheit)

So in the space of a day...well 12 hours or lets say 6ish hours I was both partially on fire and involved in a large and confusing robbery situation.

One cannot come out of that stress without feeling that there was a less of some sort to be learned or, perhaps more importantly, a lesson to be taught.

I don't know what that lesson is. But here are my best long winded stabs at it:

1) Being on fire was a new experience. I always had assumed that if a large part of me set ablaze, regardless of the situation I'd make it well known. Instead I was kind of in shock just staring at myself in the mirror with the upper portion of my arm on fine. Also, I immediately put my other hand into the fire to smother it. Of course that didn't work and burnt my other hand a little. It was a good 20 seconds before i had the gumption to rip off my shirt and put out the fire. But just the fact that a calm came over me as I burst into flame...that's the kind of thing you think

Man, this is what writers live for. I can finally get something across most people haven't experienced.

Then while describing it someone goes "that really reminds me of the part from Me,You and Everyone You know where the guy lights his hand on fire."

Then you can just curse Baudrillard and every essay you ever read him for and go back to your Bottle of beer.

2) I thought I had the find of the year with a Burberry shirt from Value Village. I never even considered the relative flammability of clothes.

One tends to assume that as quality goes up, so does the imperviousness to fire. But now I have a one sleeved Burberry shirt and yet somehow I managed to survive major injuries due to my brave little American Apparel long sleeved which might just be able to survive as a short-sleeved mod.

Next time you drop a mint on a shit, think about how it might service you in times of emergency. Come on.

3) Bravery is a thing which does not come naturally. Well, I suppose not bravery but something along that line. Altruism?

A few weeks ago I saved myself from security harassment at possibly the cost of my friends but I didn't feel too bad. Friday night, I saved myself (and by proxy the girl I was with) unknowingly at the cost of my friends. My gut reaction is to avoid trouble at all costs. Selfishly or what have you. I don't know.

My friend Mike took a series of punches to the face and I stayed far and called the police.

I don't know how to feel about this. I feel bad for not getting punched in the face. Thats a little insane.

More insane is the fact that many people seem to think my going out drinking while badly burnt is more brave than being pummeled by hooligans.

4) It is hard sometimes in epic situations to not see your life in an epic light. Were I swayed to the epic I'd think the lesson was something about love.

We left the club early and were walking the direction we were walking to take some girls who we'd just met to some party in hopes of impressing them and, ultimately, who knows what. We've forgotten our names by now.

Then we get robbed. They leave even after numerous punches are taken for them (by others).

Simple lesson: only act on true love?

If I actually liked any of those girls maybe I'd have stood up for them slightly. This could have gone better and/or I could have been stabbed. But there would be your epic ending instead of a fizzle.

Beyond that how many girls have I severely traumatized in my life. Three?

I guess it's pretty self-centered to think you ever traumatized anyone and were anything but the butt of a terrible joke in their lives. But come on...beatings...sexual issues...accidental emotional crushing...

Four. Definitely four.

5) A really bad wound is a conversation starter for a while. Then the conversation gets boring or embarrassing. Eventually you want to hide it.

Chicks might dig scars but the story behind that scar gets boring pretty fast. Especially if it's boring or embarrassing.

If you want a scar injure yourself on purpose in controlled and badass situations.

6) I no longer trust the police in just about any matter. How in the course of a week do they manage to disappoint me in numerous regards. I hope I never have to use 911 for a real emergency that isn't resolved by a few punches to the face.

One of you should grow up to be Batman. Then I'll feel better.

6 is enough

Cam

Save The Date/ SolicitationsJust so you all know where you have to be on May 3rd, it is at my 4th year film screening....

Honestly, I wont be too hurt if people don't show up but our professor has been quite unsure we can fill the seats and I would like it to sell out as kind of a big fuck you to the people who've doubted our ragtag year. We are exceedingly popular I know and any extra seats filled will only help us to prove it.

I can promise a few good films. There are some weird ones for people who like that. And a gruesome one. And a ninja one. So hell, what more do you want. Vibrators? that ones mine.

So you should come. It'll be ridiculous. Everyone will be giddy beyond belief.

Also, WARREN AND I NEED A ROOMMATE FOR THE SUMMER!!!

If you are or know someone we'd like to live with please let us know somehow. The rent is super cheap, it is a good location and we are ever so clean, fun and easy to live with. We don't want to be forced to move in with a crazy person. You don't want me to write blogs about that.

Thats all for now. Less businessy blogs once I'm done with the essays.

Cam

On not properly coping with depression

So yes, we all know I was a bit bummed by the sum total of crap that went crappy this week. No job, few roomie prospects etc. etc. etc. but when I'm down there are ways to get back up again. Here they are in no particular order:1) Mindy Kaling: Let see...she wrote/starred in a play about Ben Affleck and Matt Damon, she's on "The Office", she used to work on "Crossing Over", she keeps the funniest/girliest/most informative blog ever (!) and she reminds me of the cooler brown girls my mom adopts from work to be my pretend sisters. I'd say it's a solid crush.
2) Tim Horton's: I thought I was Canadian before but a girl brought a lot of donuts to class and I ate like 5. 3 in about 2 minutes and the rest as I pretended to clean up. Boston cream, old fashioned, sour cream glazed and all the fritters. And it didn't even spoil my dinner. And I lied, I ate 8 (thanks Tina Fey).
3) Organic Blue Cheese: Your organic nature makes me forget that you are literally the substance clogging my arteries but, I can leave you at other peoples houses so I don't eat you all at once so we are a super team.
4) Veggie platter: You are the best thing to eat after you had 8 donuts to make you feel less like human garbage. But you also have so much ranch sauce so you aren't all preachy about it.
5) Cheesecake: Man I hated that restaurant "The Cheesecake Factory" when I was a kid. The food for dinner was such bullshit and I didn't ever eat dessert because I wanted to show up everyone else through self-deprivation so I never understood why people ever wanted to go there. Way to find a new way to be an idiot Kid Cam!
6) America's Next Top Model: Sometimes I think I'm over it but then sometimes 50 cent pushes Jael into a pool and Nicole Ritchie pulls a "Mean Girls" and Tyra pushes the bounds of black-on-black racism by suggesting a girl have a nickname of "brown.
7) Travelling Carnivals!!!: Vancouver has these weird ones that travel to malls. They remind me of the one that always came to our ghetto mall Abbotsfield in Edmonton. Their rides are ricketier and their concessions are scarier and they have airbrushed photos of X-Tina and The Fast and the Furious on the sides of everything and their haunted houses are called "Munchen". This is what people were talking about when they talked about fairs. Not the fucking PNE.

8) "Yaggers": Don't get me wrong: It has a painting of jagermeister on its walls, it has it on tap, it misspells the abbreviation of the name and it's full of douches so it wears its suck on its sleeve. But my friends it is so close to Harbor Center so you can confuse your professor into getting embarrassingly drunk in front of it and it sports a quick jaunt to your own busstop. Also you might find 5 bucks outside of it. Wow. 9) TACO LUIS: One upon a time a nice asian man ate at taco time and maybe had them explain the concept of tacos. Then he decided to open a restaurant in a shitty mall in Richmond and make tacos just like them. But somehow in the process of making a routine taco he accidentally made MAGIC. The tacos are amazing. They fill you for literally 12 hours or something. You can order a "10 inch special". Their salsa isn't salsa but is good on everything salsa is good on. It may be better than salsa. You seriously should go to Richmond just for a taco, it's not as stupid as it sounds.
10) Red Wine: You make my face red, exasturbate my allergies, make me hot and sweaty and if I'm trying to hit on a girl I get handsy with your advice but, Sir, If I'm watching t.v. or in a hot bath you are my drink of choice. That whore white can spend her time in everyone else's glass.
11) Death Proof: Don't get me wrong, "Planet Terror" was great and hilarious but "Death Proof" was an amazing movie. It was original and weird and experimental in its suspense. It had sexy ladies and crazy things and got me so excited I was yelping, squealing and clapping like a fool. I could simultaneously enjoy the movie and the craft put into it. It got me not only psyched on movies but psyched on making my own. Warren was dizzy after watching it. 'nuff said


Take all these and call me in the morning,

12) "Take it sleazy"

Cam

Top Possibilities of what to do now that every reason I chose to stay in Vancouver this summer no longer exist

1. Throw myself into my writing

2. Throw myself off the Lions Gate Bridge