A little lesson they try to avoid teaching you as a kid is: Often you are only as good as those around to perceive you to be.
Perception maintainence is an important part of adult life. For some people it's effortless, they get across what they feel and who they are. For others, lets say myself, it's a constant struggle to figure out what people think of you, why the fuck they think that and should I change how I act or is that indeed really who I am?
The following are two things I've learned about myself from how people see me at work
I'm a pervert, sometimes a sexist and apparently some level of dude.
Now from a guy who's spent a good 90% of his life considering how he's perceived this came as a shock. Normally I'm generally considered a fag, a woman loving man-hater and I guess still a pervert but in a different way.
At work I'm made fun of for hitting on the female clientele. Its important to note i swear to god i'm just doing my job and saying what the manual told me to. But still i have a reputation for doing that. And being a pervert about it. The only co-workers who don't harass me about this are the dudiest dudes who ever did dude who stand outside the store and ask girls for their numbers and constantly have a 1-10 "dibs" system in place. Am I so much like that? have I changed?
To the people at my work i'm just some random dude sleazing on girls. Some act like I got this job to sleaze on girls. They don't think i'm joking no matter how deadpan it is when i call them 'honey', 'darling' or 'peaches' yet they are not militant feminists. Not even kind of. So I'm left to wonder: Am I constantly sleazing on girls and not realizing it or are my co-workers ultra-sleaze sensitive?
Then a few times I've been doing things around the store and I hear a sigh or get a slap and am directed to help the customer who's just walked in. Always but always its a rockabilly chick or at the very least a suicide girls wannabe.
To my co-workers this is my dream woman. Disregard the fact that most girls I've dated are small and wear shirts with animals and sport either blonde hair or blue eyes AT LEAST and i'm sure they could all bake a mean apple pie.
When last confronted with the eye roll I said "what?" and got a reply of "GOD CAM its totally YOUR TYPE." It's so interesting to see my general attitude processed through the eyes of others.
I can only chalk this up to two things:
1) About 50% of my friends in highschool were punks or rockabillies. My Jr.High core group grew up into Punk and we continued having lockers together regardless of my only enjoying the music (i know it's hard to believe but think how lazy I am with fashion). So in that respect, compared to my preppy, fresh faced co-workers I guess I'm more used to approaching and having conversations with Rockabillies...I guess...But still
2) I'm interested in tattoos and if anyone has a full sleeve I want to see it and ask about it (if i get the courage). I guess that could be percieved as flirtatious rather than curious. I dont know.
Maybe I should just start dating hot hot hot rockabilly girls. Except I'd never change for them. Sorry. I'm a rebel who wears jeans and mildly interesting t-shirts. I'll never fit your tattooed norms. I'm wild like that.
+++++
Finally,
I've managed to pull ahead on a new draft of the script and maybe, just maybe will have one that's readable in time for the pro story editor. I'm challenging myself to do different treatments of the script so it'll be a tough row to hoe but I'm proud to have gotten going again. So I celebrated by buying another part of the movie.
Best skirt ever meet best shirt ever:
You will get along well I JUST KNOW IT.
p.s. look at the amazing printed cloth bag Nokomis gives out now. I still love edmonton.
CAM
posted by Cam at 11:55 PM
3 Comments:
"They don't think i'm joking no matter how deadpan it is when i call them 'honey', 'darling' or 'peaches' yet they are not militant feminists"
Reading this made me laugh out loud at the thought of you do it because I know I've seen you do it, and it is deadpan and your coworkers just do not get it I think.
I completely understand your point about perception maintenance.
However, I counter that your perception in the eyes of others isn't a constant struggle so much as it is a rough stone that needs to, between the ages of 18-27, be grinded and shaped into what you want and expect people to see you as.
And the more blatant and forceful your personality is, the easier the process is.
I don't have much of a problem with the process, on my good days.
But you, you're more nuanced, so to grind people's perceptions of you into what you see yourself takes significantly more effort. And I certainly wouldn't trust what your co-workers, who've known you for such a short time, see in you.
I certainly couldn't summarize you without a few hours of hard work and critical thought. In brief, though, you are reserved, detatched, quick-witted and foppish.
You have a british air about you but exude colloquial crassness in personal banter (something I've always enjoyed about you . . . your ability to discuss, for example, the phrase 'raging vagina' without batting an eye).
You are sympathetic but indecisive and at times short temmpered. But your not the sort to lose your cool, you have a slow shallow simmering way of being mad, a soft burn.
As for you're doodishness. I think people misunderstand, as warren pointed out, you're multilayered deappan understanding of the psychological makeup of dudes.
Though, at times I think you either litterally give yourself too much credit, or display giving yourself more credit than is due, when you distinguish yourself from dudes who want to exchange bodily fluids with ladies.
You have a great personal understanding of the plight/fight againt patriarchy, but in the end I beleive you to desire tang greatly.
Despite this, you are a good person, and 'if a dude' a dude in the finest way possible.
Like many, I too have considered getting an "ass or gas: nobody rides for free" bumpersticky, but haven't out of fear that it might one day receive a sincere compliment by some ho-bag down the street.
I guess what I am trying to say is that dudes are dudes, so much that they can't conceivably be anyone else (say, someone making fun of a dude without getting beat up - YOU! YOU!)
Cherish the irony Cam. Blog about it, whatever, but do not dare talk of it at work. Take it from me, lord knows I only got pregnant to poke fun.
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